Thank you, Depression.

I'm writing this blog before I look at anything else online. So this is how I feel... before being affected by anyone or anything. I haven't even opened my mouth (literally) to speak at all this morning. I have not said a word to anyone or anything. I haven't had any contact to the outside world. The blinds are down. I can't see outside. It's dark in my room... ( must be a cold, snowy day??) so none of these feelings are the cause of anyone or anything else. 
It's 2pm.
(Phone beeped)
I can feel my depression creeping through me. Like the way a fog creeps over a town. More like a ghost town actually. Where no one's talking, thinking, moving. 
Just a blanket of fog around a ghost town.
I know that last night was rough, and since this is my cyber-therapist blog, I have to admit all of the ugly holes in my life. I have to explain myself to someone... or something.
(Phone beeped)
I think insanity is caused by the lack of communication between the person with the problems, and the rest of the world. At least this way.... I know that someone might be reading this post, and maybe even someone will be able to relate. 
Depression is horrible. I'm not saying that depression is my only issue. God knows I have plenty more. It's just that depression is the cause of how I feel right now.
And I can openly admit that. 
(Phone beeped)
(Phone beeped)
I know myself well enough, to know the cause of everything I feel.
Or don't feel.
And this afternoon/morning... It's depression.


Last night, I had some things happen. First of all, being that I went off. I fought, tooth and nail... not just with myself, but with other people. I don't know if there was even a reason for it. Maybe I just felt like I needed to push everyone far away for the night. Of course, now.... I'm regretting it. I have to fix it all. And I can hear my phone beeping. I know people are texting me. Probably angry with me. 
Being honest, someone texted me this morning, before I fell asleep. They were upset. I could tell. They were already hurting, and for some reason, I reacted. I couldn't help it... something inside of me just snapped. I immediately fought them off. Severing any ties between me and them for the night. 
My phone wasn't working last night either. I don't know why. It's done this once before... I just (phone beeped again.) 
don't know why. 
It stops receiving and sending texts. Not calls... just texts. 
So that happened... And I just got all of the texts this morning. 
( I can tell, because it went on a ridiculous buzzing sh-peal. ) So I upset people, and then just "stopped texting".
So I hurt that person... 
and then I was frustrated about another person... and I kind of got angry with them. And then stopped texting. And that one will be the easiest one to repair. Only because I didn't say anything mean, I was just obviously upset with them.
The 3rd person was being equally mean at the end. They started out with a nice conversation, but since I was on a short fuse, I got easily upset with one question they asked. 


I know It was a simple question.... I get that. I just feel that a bit more thinking, and they could have figured out the obvious answer themselves. And I didn't feel like I should have to answer.
Simple enough.
I know that they wont want to talk to me this morning... 
(afternoon...)
so that ship sailed.


But on top of all the bullshit that happened... I'm depressed just because I am. It really doesn't have anything 
(phone beeped)
to do with anyone.
I just feel miserable. 




My eyes feel extremely heavy. Like bowling balls are sitting in my eye sockets. My head is hard to keep up... and I feel extremely cold... even though I'm under 3 comforters. 
Every part of me feels like it's weighed down.


But I'm going to check my texts now... To see what's been happening.








Ahh. Wonderful texts I've received. Of course, none of them happy. I should have known that. I almost miss the days when I would wake up to good morning texts from people I loved.
But so what, right?
You know how people say, " I was born alone, so I can be alone and shouldn't be affected"? 
The only thing is...
when you were born, you were born loved. Maybe you came out of the womb naked and without the friends you have now...
but you were loved. 
Love is something fickle.
People can fall out of love with you. People can learn to hate you. And it's not under your control. Your friends are. You can make friends with anyone you please. There's always a way to have friends. But people who love you?
No. 
You have to just wake up, and hope to God that someone still loves you.
It's luck.
And right now... I can't honestly say that I don't think anyone loves me.
And it hurts... more than anything.