Thank you, Depression.

I'm writing this blog before I look at anything else online. So this is how I feel... before being affected by anyone or anything. I haven't even opened my mouth (literally) to speak at all this morning. I have not said a word to anyone or anything. I haven't had any contact to the outside world. The blinds are down. I can't see outside. It's dark in my room... ( must be a cold, snowy day??) so none of these feelings are the cause of anyone or anything else. 
It's 2pm.
(Phone beeped)
I can feel my depression creeping through me. Like the way a fog creeps over a town. More like a ghost town actually. Where no one's talking, thinking, moving. 
Just a blanket of fog around a ghost town.
I know that last night was rough, and since this is my cyber-therapist blog, I have to admit all of the ugly holes in my life. I have to explain myself to someone... or something.
(Phone beeped)
I think insanity is caused by the lack of communication between the person with the problems, and the rest of the world. At least this way.... I know that someone might be reading this post, and maybe even someone will be able to relate. 
Depression is horrible. I'm not saying that depression is my only issue. God knows I have plenty more. It's just that depression is the cause of how I feel right now.
And I can openly admit that. 
(Phone beeped)
(Phone beeped)
I know myself well enough, to know the cause of everything I feel.
Or don't feel.
And this afternoon/morning... It's depression.


Last night, I had some things happen. First of all, being that I went off. I fought, tooth and nail... not just with myself, but with other people. I don't know if there was even a reason for it. Maybe I just felt like I needed to push everyone far away for the night. Of course, now.... I'm regretting it. I have to fix it all. And I can hear my phone beeping. I know people are texting me. Probably angry with me. 
Being honest, someone texted me this morning, before I fell asleep. They were upset. I could tell. They were already hurting, and for some reason, I reacted. I couldn't help it... something inside of me just snapped. I immediately fought them off. Severing any ties between me and them for the night. 
My phone wasn't working last night either. I don't know why. It's done this once before... I just (phone beeped again.) 
don't know why. 
It stops receiving and sending texts. Not calls... just texts. 
So that happened... And I just got all of the texts this morning. 
( I can tell, because it went on a ridiculous buzzing sh-peal. ) So I upset people, and then just "stopped texting".
So I hurt that person... 
and then I was frustrated about another person... and I kind of got angry with them. And then stopped texting. And that one will be the easiest one to repair. Only because I didn't say anything mean, I was just obviously upset with them.
The 3rd person was being equally mean at the end. They started out with a nice conversation, but since I was on a short fuse, I got easily upset with one question they asked. 


I know It was a simple question.... I get that. I just feel that a bit more thinking, and they could have figured out the obvious answer themselves. And I didn't feel like I should have to answer.
Simple enough.
I know that they wont want to talk to me this morning... 
(afternoon...)
so that ship sailed.


But on top of all the bullshit that happened... I'm depressed just because I am. It really doesn't have anything 
(phone beeped)
to do with anyone.
I just feel miserable. 




My eyes feel extremely heavy. Like bowling balls are sitting in my eye sockets. My head is hard to keep up... and I feel extremely cold... even though I'm under 3 comforters. 
Every part of me feels like it's weighed down.


But I'm going to check my texts now... To see what's been happening.








Ahh. Wonderful texts I've received. Of course, none of them happy. I should have known that. I almost miss the days when I would wake up to good morning texts from people I loved.
But so what, right?
You know how people say, " I was born alone, so I can be alone and shouldn't be affected"? 
The only thing is...
when you were born, you were born loved. Maybe you came out of the womb naked and without the friends you have now...
but you were loved. 
Love is something fickle.
People can fall out of love with you. People can learn to hate you. And it's not under your control. Your friends are. You can make friends with anyone you please. There's always a way to have friends. But people who love you?
No. 
You have to just wake up, and hope to God that someone still loves you.
It's luck.
And right now... I can't honestly say that I don't think anyone loves me.
And it hurts... more than anything.

A white page is intimidating

My day wasn't really eventful. I went to will's house tonight to play some video games. Black Ops.... and I repetatively got shot in the head, and the nuts, as will told me that he wouldn't shoot me. Needless to say, I'm also jealous of his phone, which has a PSP controller built into it. 
But the day itself was uneventful. 
I played online, mostly. 
Got a new outline for facebook, which is harder to navigate through, and honestly freaks me out. It shows every little post, down to the month that you put it up. Which is weird... I hate knowing that all of that information is just out there for the world to see. 


What's funny, is that my mind is spinning out of control, and I'm still trying to type an organized blog.
I can barely think for myself, and here I am, sending a statement out to the world.
I feel like an absolute mess with tears in my eyes. Listening to "I can't make you love me", by Bonnie Raitt. (Click here to listen. )
This song is speaking to me right now. The lyrics almost feel like a blanket around my heart.
It's amazing how a song can open your eyes when you feel blind.
And this song just made me see something.
Forgive me for sounding like a hopeless romantic when I say this... but you can't make anyone love you. You can't.
You can beg, plead, cry... but nothing will make a person's heart want you.
Sometimes you have to accept things in life. Whether you like it or not, 
as Bonnie Raitt states,
"I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it wont".
And as hard as it's been for me to accept that, 
I guess loving someone truly means that you want them to be happy. No matter where they are, what they're doing, who they're with in life. 
And I can beg, I can tear myself to pieces trying to make something happen. But when it comes down to it, I can't do a thing to change the future. It's going to happen the way it was meant to be.
I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't crying.
I'm not going to pretend that today's been easy. Because it hasn't. 
And this is my blog. I'm allowed to tell the truth.
I'm so angry. So upset. So hurt.
When you literally spend nights upon nights holding onto your phone, just pleading with the silence to break with a phone call. A text. You learn how strong you are. How much you can take. 
When you're the person with tears streaming down your face every night, and the person that wakes up ready to try again and take on the world, hoping that the next day will be different than the rest. That's how you know how strong you are. 
Someone has to really have guts to pretend they aren't suffocating every day. And I can't stand here on a high horse and pretend I'm the strongest person. 
I'm not.
I'm not strong at all. 
If you could see the way I am right now.
I know women who have never shed a tear. Throughout abuse, death, heartache. 
And I admire them so much. I envy their strength.
But here I am. Willing to die for what I believe in... but I can't even do it with a dry face.
Why do things like this have to be so hard?
I'm not a very open person, so when I say I love someone,
it's not a joke. It's not something that anyone should take lightly.
I don't lie about the way I feel towards someone.
I don't.
I wonder if you can literally die from heartache. 
Can you stop breathing if your heart bursts?
What do I even do from here.