I hate myself for writing this blog.

I can honestly say that I despise myself for writing this blog post today. I really do. 
I hate what I'm inevitably going to talk about, and I hate what I'm doing right now. All in all, I'm mad at myself for even touching on this subject, because I don't want everyone.......
scratch what I was about to say.
I don't want to admit to myself that I feel this way.
I feel weak.
And I know I'm not, but that's how I feel. 


So let's get this party started. 
I'm just going to go on this long rant, so if you don't feel like hearing it, you can go. It's going to be long.


I hate people. I hate everything that's considered human. 
I hate men.
I hate women.
I hate gossip,
liars,
bitches,
drama,
old people,
little children that scream in the grocery store.
I hate everything human.


Why?


Because humans as a whole, are narcissistic bastards. Self obsessed, egotistical, catty, assholes.
Self serving,
self pleasing,
always wondering "what's in it for you"
assholes.
No one takes the time to think about how any of their actions are going to affect anyone around them.
Case and point, 
RELATIONSHIPS.
I hate relationships, you know why? They lead you to believe a lie. 
Men especially. 
Girls are more influenced by their emotions, and how it makes them feel. 
(Not necessarily the other person. Women wont hurt someone because they don't want to feel guilty. )
But men...
more interested in thinking with the hose between their legs.
At the beginning of this blog, I was sad. I'll admit. I'm thinking of how I've been repetitively FUCKED over by people. 
And I'm not sad anymore. 
I'm mad. 


I put my heart and soul into trying. I have. I make sure people know their worth to me, and it's obvious that I don't mean shit to any of you. 
Does anyone even read this fucking blog??
No?
Didn't fucking think so. 
Why...?
Oh right, you're all too busy waiting for the next available cum-bucket to meander in front of you.


It's funny... I wonder how many of you had sex today. How many of you are fucking over people who care about you, because you're not thinking. 
Cheating?
Oh remember, that's okay these days.
The words "I love you".
No, those 3 words don't mean shit. 
It's space filler for a conversation.


Call me old fashioned, but I thought you actually had to SHOW someone you loved them if you said you did. 
Talk is cheap.












I sent a text earlier, talking about how you never know if it's going to be your last day on earth. 
You never know if you'll never wake up.
So don't you think,
that if you ACTUALLY
love someone,
you should let them know?
You might never see them again.
They could die tonight in their sleep.
You might never see the person you "love" again.
But have you told them you love them?
No?
That's crazy.
You're taking that chance.
What if they're kidnapped.
What if they're suicidal right now?


DID YOU EVER


CONSIDER, 


THAT MAYBE THE PERSON YOU SAID YOU LOVED, IS SITTING ALONE IN THEIR ROOM, 


CRYING,


WONDERING IF IT'S EVEN WORTH IT TO BE AROUND TOMORROW.


DID YOU EVER STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT?


NO.


YOU'RE SITTING HERE.


READING THIS.


WHERE'S THE PERSON YOU LOVE.


WHY AREN'T THEY WITH YOU.


YOU MIGHT NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, 


YET YOU'RE BROWSING AROUND THE INTERNET.




Some people have too much pride.


Like, say you love your ex.


But you wont admit you love them, or talk to them, because your pride is holding you back.


Again, back to the "ALL ABOUT ME" shit.


Think about this.


YOU
MIGHT
NEVER
SEE
THEM
AGAIN.






EVER.




Why don't they know you love them? They could die in the next 2 minutes. 
If they aren't with you,
why aren't you on the phone with them?


If you actually love someone,
make sure you let them know. 
Every second of every day.
Don't fuck around, and mess with people's hearts. Because everyone deserves to be loved. 
And being a player, 
starting drama,
keeping hold of your pride,
is going to end up costing you more than anyone else.




I'm fucking sick of humanity. Do you guys honestly realize how messed up you are?
How narcissistic, 
and unrealistic you all are?
I think you don't fully understand the situation.

STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM IF YOU DON'T.


STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU CARE, 


IF YOU DON'T.


STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH PEOPLE'S HEARTS.


STOP BEING WHORES. 


STOP BEING PLAYERS.


I'm sick of how you all go about relationships like it's a game. Fuck that.
It's not.
In a study, it says that it takes half the time you dated a person to get over them completely.


So say you dated for a year. 


You have 6 months of solitude,
before you return to the dating game with a fresh head.


And half the time is the minimum.


So why are you guys running around having little makeout parties right after you've broken up with someone?
It's shallow.
Ever heard of a rebound?
You're messing with your own head and heart.


DON'T PRETEND IT DOESN'T HURT SOMEONE.


I'm so sick. 
It honestly disgusts me how you can be this way. 
Ugh.
















































SO I'm going to go to bed now. 
I'm going to lay in my bed and rip myself apart some more, 
wondering how anyone could be that cruel,
much less everyone.

Humanity sucks. 
Goodnight, everyone. I'm sorry... tomorrow will be happier. 


Goodnight. 

A white page is intimidating

My day wasn't really eventful. I went to will's house tonight to play some video games. Black Ops.... and I repetatively got shot in the head, and the nuts, as will told me that he wouldn't shoot me. Needless to say, I'm also jealous of his phone, which has a PSP controller built into it. 
But the day itself was uneventful. 
I played online, mostly. 
Got a new outline for facebook, which is harder to navigate through, and honestly freaks me out. It shows every little post, down to the month that you put it up. Which is weird... I hate knowing that all of that information is just out there for the world to see. 


What's funny, is that my mind is spinning out of control, and I'm still trying to type an organized blog.
I can barely think for myself, and here I am, sending a statement out to the world.
I feel like an absolute mess with tears in my eyes. Listening to "I can't make you love me", by Bonnie Raitt. (Click here to listen. )
This song is speaking to me right now. The lyrics almost feel like a blanket around my heart.
It's amazing how a song can open your eyes when you feel blind.
And this song just made me see something.
Forgive me for sounding like a hopeless romantic when I say this... but you can't make anyone love you. You can't.
You can beg, plead, cry... but nothing will make a person's heart want you.
Sometimes you have to accept things in life. Whether you like it or not, 
as Bonnie Raitt states,
"I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it wont".
And as hard as it's been for me to accept that, 
I guess loving someone truly means that you want them to be happy. No matter where they are, what they're doing, who they're with in life. 
And I can beg, I can tear myself to pieces trying to make something happen. But when it comes down to it, I can't do a thing to change the future. It's going to happen the way it was meant to be.
I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't crying.
I'm not going to pretend that today's been easy. Because it hasn't. 
And this is my blog. I'm allowed to tell the truth.
I'm so angry. So upset. So hurt.
When you literally spend nights upon nights holding onto your phone, just pleading with the silence to break with a phone call. A text. You learn how strong you are. How much you can take. 
When you're the person with tears streaming down your face every night, and the person that wakes up ready to try again and take on the world, hoping that the next day will be different than the rest. That's how you know how strong you are. 
Someone has to really have guts to pretend they aren't suffocating every day. And I can't stand here on a high horse and pretend I'm the strongest person. 
I'm not.
I'm not strong at all. 
If you could see the way I am right now.
I know women who have never shed a tear. Throughout abuse, death, heartache. 
And I admire them so much. I envy their strength.
But here I am. Willing to die for what I believe in... but I can't even do it with a dry face.
Why do things like this have to be so hard?
I'm not a very open person, so when I say I love someone,
it's not a joke. It's not something that anyone should take lightly.
I don't lie about the way I feel towards someone.
I don't.
I wonder if you can literally die from heartache. 
Can you stop breathing if your heart bursts?
What do I even do from here. 

Who am I kidding?

Mood: Just here.
Where am I: ALWAYS on my bed. 


I told you I probably wouldn't blog tonight... But who am I kidding?? Of course I'll be up late blogging. So here I am. 11:54pm. Almost midnight. And I'm... blogging. 
Just got home, actually.
Had a serious talk with my friend... I know he's going through a hard time. I wish I could help. But advice seems to be the only thing I can really offer right now. 
That, and a shoulder to cry on. 


So let's get this party started. 


The old me would have cared about something else tonight. (Not gonna say what.)
But being truthful, the new me doesn't give a shit.
The new me is skyping Nolan. 
There's only 4 months until my birthday. A decent amount of time for anything to happen in my life. And I'm really hoping for things to go the right way.


Speaking of.... it's been 3 months since my last cigarette. (I'm going to be honest, it wasn't by choice.) And honestly, I could really use one right now.
Or a few...
Thank you marlboro for making me love hate you.


Seriously though, I must have set some kind of high standard for women around the world when for the last 3 months of my life. I should go to heaven, for the soul reason that I've been feeling like a suffocating black hole, yet I've been doing the best I've ever done.


I don't care for the comments you're making about my irony in the last statement.
Just sayin'.


Back to this though. 
Is there a medal for being a total bitchin' rockstar from mars?
Oh right, we call that the charlie sheen award.


Speaking of, did anyone else see the charlie sheen roast? I know that was on a LONG time ago, but I never really got to throw my opinion on that. I thought that the chick from the Last Comic Standing was COMPLETELY out of bounds with her roast. 
I mean, damn.
Who insults someone's friend who JUST died?
Seriously. 
Wasn't she a runner-up in the competition too? 
Well bitch, that's why you lost.


WATCH THE VIDEO OF THE HORRIBLE ROAST WOMAN HERE.



But honestly, speaking of charlie sheen and cool videos, check this out:


Charlie sheen is WINNING (:

Little late for the #winning jokes I suppose.
And since we're on the subject of weird videos...
A close follow up would be the new Lady Gaga video "Marry the Night". 
Truely something else. I really felt like I related to this video. Especially because of what I've been doing for the last few months. I've had my moments, for sure. But the comeback has always been stronger. 


What is that phrase...
"A woman that cries herself to sleep, is the same woman who'll be strong in the morning".
And yes, I'd consider myself a woman.
I know you're thinking... "Shit, that 17 year old rascal". 
No, actually. 18.
18 year old little rascal.
In 4 months....


I swear to God though... I don't know what the hell has been up recently. I'm here and there. 
Honestly, 
I couldn't say that I really know what I've been doing.
I guess... anything I felt like. 
Wasn't that how my hair ended up being pink? I believe so. A decision made on a whim. 
Pretty decision though.


On the downside of the situation, I haven't been able to draw for months as well. It's like... I lost my creativity. Haha- imagine that. It seems to have been left in Northern Colorado when I moved away. 
Crazy the way life takes you for a ride.
Ah well. Enough ranting from Lizzi. I feel like I was cussing too much in here. Was I? I don't think I've ever said a naughty word in anything online. (That was public.)


Well here we go. I'm going to put one of those funny memebase.com pictures up for your enjoyment. (:
Night all.

The first blog is always the hardest.

Mood: Happy

Where am I: On my bed skyping with Nolan.

Okay... So the first time blogging your whole day is the hardest. After a while, you just get so into the habit of blogging, you don't even have to think about it. So I think that now I've finally gotten it down. After, all I've had previous blogs that are floating around the internet somewhere. ( Like nude photos of lindsay lohan.)

So... my day...

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy. I had to do some dishes as soon as I woke up, and I don't think that anyone really wakes up excited to clean. But maybe that's just me.

After doing the dishes, I managed to pull myself together, and put some makeup on. 

I hardly have any foundation left by the way... 

Makeup, why must you be so damn expensive??

But I somehow managed to get my face covered in that pocket emptying liquid, and turned on Facebook to start creeping through.

I seriously micro-manage my facebook. I know every little detail of everything on there. And I know that's not normal. I go a bit extreme with it. But I don't want something going on there that would be bad for everyone to see. 

Trust me, I've had some bad things posted on facebook. And thank god for my micro-managing, because otherwise, I would have gotten some concerned messages. 

Anyway.

I read some things on my facebook that really kind of upset me. 

Things about the way I used to be in high school and all that. It hurts to know that some people just make assumptions about me before they even know the full story. 

I will be the first to admit, I have some problems. And from an outside perspective, without any explanation, I can see how they would be cause for some nasty rumors. But seriously??

I mean, I heard that a rumor circulated my high school after I moved, saying things like, I was moving after I attacked a kid at school. 

Really?

All 5'7" of me ATTACKED a boy at school? Me?

Something about me being a pagan who was preforming some spell on this boy to have control over him. 

Whoever started this rumor must have been in league with the person who started the "cat boy raper" rumor when I was at school. And if you're reading this; you should consider a career in writing fiction, because DAMN.

No, everyone. I did not preform anything like that, Nor did I have any intentions on harming anyone at or near that school. 

I simply moved, because my family needed a new start, and to be closer to my aging relatives in Colorado Springs.

Wellington did nothing good for me, besides give me life experiences in how NOT to grow up. 

And thank god for the move, because at the time I was stuck in this horrible place. My priorities were messed up.

But moving on, since that's only the morning... and this is a blog, not a novel...

So after writing a letter to someone that was accusing me of being a worshiping the devil,

I played a bit on youtube. 

I started watching videos on cars-- because I don't think anything else online can give me that happy quick-fix like the rev of a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport. 

(I am such a man.)

My mom went out to get a christmas tree and some groceries at this point, so I texted my best friend to get on skype. 

Skype should be getting paid for how long they let me on. What was it, 10 hours yesterday, and I'm sure something around 7 so far today. It's just nice to have that person with you all the time. Someone who understands you, and who doesn't judge when you dance to music videos eating chocolate pudding and horrible pizza. 

We watched countless youtube videos, set up our blogs, I created this hilarious ( in my opinion...) picture, 

and I totally got out-geeked by Nolan, as he showed me the little technical details of how to make my blog look awesome.

(Thank you!!)

So here I am. I honestly can't say that I've had a really exciting day. I mean, how exciting could it be considering that this is my 3rd blog post?

So that's it, everyone. 

My day.

In a nutshell.

Tomorrow I'm waking up early to put up christmas decorations around the house.

(Early being like, 9:30. Shuddup, I graduated, I've earned it.)

And I don't know why... but I definately feel like I should be getting down with a Harry Potter marathon soon. 

So goodnight, everyone. Hope everyone has such a nice night... and I hope you all have fun waking up early to do whatever it is you busy people do. 

Monday morning coming soon with the rise and grind...

Get some sleep (: