The title of this blog was going to be "A burning hot snow day". But then I thought to myself... "Oh God... what am I doing? How ridiculous could I be to put that. Not only am I contradicting myself. But it would be stupid".
And it would have been. Although, I don't think that this title's any better. Actually... this one might be worse.
Mood: Avoiding myself... and I have a headache.
I refuse to do the "where I am" section anymore... because the answer never changes. I'm on my bed. If something ever changes, I'll be sure to let you know.
I didn't do anything today. And I can say that with a clean conscience, because I only left this bed to devour a hot pocket. It's not 100% my fault though. I know I would have gone out to be with friends if it were a regular night... but seeing as the snow reaches my knee at the minimum... I wont be going anywhere.
I also got an early christmas present. Gloves, a scarf, a Starbuck's gift card, and a few candies. It's what... 2 days until christmas?
I feel like it's January.
Also... I think I'm supposed to die next year. Something about 2012.
Haha.... but of course, I continue blogging. Because if I actually thought I was going to die in about a year, I wouldn't be here. I'd be somewhere else. You know... living it up.
But with fingers crossed, I must tell you about my day.
I played online, mostly.
Okay...
entirely.
Started meandering around a site called gaiaonline.com.
Which is basically a site to make an avatar, and roam a cyber city.
Race cars.
Build cars,
show OFF your cars,
sit on your cars,
and play with cars.
Did I mention you could play with cars?
Oh.
The downside being... Oh hell with it, there's a lot of downsides.
The cars are all the same model.
The 40 year old pedobears, and the 13 year old trolls make it ridiculously hard to focus on sitting there and looking pretty.
My character even has pink hair. How amazing am I.
Nolan and I decided we'd troll through it ourselves, and made it our goal to almost annoy the hell out of random characters of our choosing.
Worked just fine, thank you.
Nothing I love more than pissed off kiddos and secret pedos.
(If you sing that last sentence, it sounds better. )
That's really all I did. That... and I changed my clothes a couple hundred times.
Gotta look good, to impress the preteenies.
And I skyped with Nolan.
Actually... I'm keeping him up right now, and I'm still skyping him. He refuses to go to sleep until I finish blogging.
God knows why.
Something about reading it?
But who does that anymore.
No one likes blogs.
And no one writes them.
It's like a dead language. (;
Ahhhh... So to make sure he doesn't pass out, I'm going to go now. It's almost 3 am...
Have a good night everyone.
And have a good night nolan, god damn you. (:
My day wasn't really eventful. I went to will's house tonight to play some video games. Black Ops.... and I repetatively got shot in the head, and the nuts, as will told me that he wouldn't shoot me. Needless to say, I'm also jealous of his phone, which has a PSP controller built into it.
But the day itself was uneventful.
I played online, mostly.
Got a new outline for facebook, which is harder to navigate through, and honestly freaks me out. It shows every little post, down to the month that you put it up. Which is weird... I hate knowing that all of that information is just out there for the world to see.
What's funny, is that my mind is spinning out of control, and I'm still trying to type an organized blog.
I can barely think for myself, and here I am, sending a statement out to the world.
I feel like an absolute mess with tears in my eyes. Listening to "I can't make you love me", by Bonnie Raitt. (Click here to listen. )
This song is speaking to me right now. The lyrics almost feel like a blanket around my heart.
It's amazing how a song can open your eyes when you feel blind.
And this song just made me see something.
Forgive me for sounding like a hopeless romantic when I say this... but you can't make anyone love you. You can't.
You can beg, plead, cry... but nothing will make a person's heart want you.
Sometimes you have to accept things in life. Whether you like it or not,
as Bonnie Raitt states,
"I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it wont".
And as hard as it's been for me to accept that,
I guess loving someone truly means that you want them to be happy. No matter where they are, what they're doing, who they're with in life.
And I can beg, I can tear myself to pieces trying to make something happen. But when it comes down to it, I can't do a thing to change the future. It's going to happen the way it was meant to be.
I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't crying.
I'm not going to pretend that today's been easy. Because it hasn't.
And this is my blog. I'm allowed to tell the truth.
I'm so angry. So upset. So hurt.
When you literally spend nights upon nights holding onto your phone, just pleading with the silence to break with a phone call. A text. You learn how strong you are. How much you can take.
When you're the person with tears streaming down your face every night, and the person that wakes up ready to try again and take on the world, hoping that the next day will be different than the rest. That's how you know how strong you are.
Someone has to really have guts to pretend they aren't suffocating every day. And I can't stand here on a high horse and pretend I'm the strongest person.
I'm not.
I'm not strong at all.
If you could see the way I am right now.
I know women who have never shed a tear. Throughout abuse, death, heartache.
And I admire them so much. I envy their strength.
But here I am. Willing to die for what I believe in... but I can't even do it with a dry face.
Why do things like this have to be so hard?
I'm not a very open person, so when I say I love someone,
it's not a joke. It's not something that anyone should take lightly.
I don't lie about the way I feel towards someone.
I don't.
I wonder if you can literally die from heartache.
Can you stop breathing if your heart bursts?
What do I even do from here.
