A white page is intimidating

My day wasn't really eventful. I went to will's house tonight to play some video games. Black Ops.... and I repetatively got shot in the head, and the nuts, as will told me that he wouldn't shoot me. Needless to say, I'm also jealous of his phone, which has a PSP controller built into it. 
But the day itself was uneventful. 
I played online, mostly. 
Got a new outline for facebook, which is harder to navigate through, and honestly freaks me out. It shows every little post, down to the month that you put it up. Which is weird... I hate knowing that all of that information is just out there for the world to see. 


What's funny, is that my mind is spinning out of control, and I'm still trying to type an organized blog.
I can barely think for myself, and here I am, sending a statement out to the world.
I feel like an absolute mess with tears in my eyes. Listening to "I can't make you love me", by Bonnie Raitt. (Click here to listen. )
This song is speaking to me right now. The lyrics almost feel like a blanket around my heart.
It's amazing how a song can open your eyes when you feel blind.
And this song just made me see something.
Forgive me for sounding like a hopeless romantic when I say this... but you can't make anyone love you. You can't.
You can beg, plead, cry... but nothing will make a person's heart want you.
Sometimes you have to accept things in life. Whether you like it or not, 
as Bonnie Raitt states,
"I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it wont".
And as hard as it's been for me to accept that, 
I guess loving someone truly means that you want them to be happy. No matter where they are, what they're doing, who they're with in life. 
And I can beg, I can tear myself to pieces trying to make something happen. But when it comes down to it, I can't do a thing to change the future. It's going to happen the way it was meant to be.
I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't crying.
I'm not going to pretend that today's been easy. Because it hasn't. 
And this is my blog. I'm allowed to tell the truth.
I'm so angry. So upset. So hurt.
When you literally spend nights upon nights holding onto your phone, just pleading with the silence to break with a phone call. A text. You learn how strong you are. How much you can take. 
When you're the person with tears streaming down your face every night, and the person that wakes up ready to try again and take on the world, hoping that the next day will be different than the rest. That's how you know how strong you are. 
Someone has to really have guts to pretend they aren't suffocating every day. And I can't stand here on a high horse and pretend I'm the strongest person. 
I'm not.
I'm not strong at all. 
If you could see the way I am right now.
I know women who have never shed a tear. Throughout abuse, death, heartache. 
And I admire them so much. I envy their strength.
But here I am. Willing to die for what I believe in... but I can't even do it with a dry face.
Why do things like this have to be so hard?
I'm not a very open person, so when I say I love someone,
it's not a joke. It's not something that anyone should take lightly.
I don't lie about the way I feel towards someone.
I don't.
I wonder if you can literally die from heartache. 
Can you stop breathing if your heart bursts?
What do I even do from here. 

The first blog is always the hardest.

Mood: Happy

Where am I: On my bed skyping with Nolan.

Okay... So the first time blogging your whole day is the hardest. After a while, you just get so into the habit of blogging, you don't even have to think about it. So I think that now I've finally gotten it down. After, all I've had previous blogs that are floating around the internet somewhere. ( Like nude photos of lindsay lohan.)

So... my day...

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy. I had to do some dishes as soon as I woke up, and I don't think that anyone really wakes up excited to clean. But maybe that's just me.

After doing the dishes, I managed to pull myself together, and put some makeup on. 

I hardly have any foundation left by the way... 

Makeup, why must you be so damn expensive??

But I somehow managed to get my face covered in that pocket emptying liquid, and turned on Facebook to start creeping through.

I seriously micro-manage my facebook. I know every little detail of everything on there. And I know that's not normal. I go a bit extreme with it. But I don't want something going on there that would be bad for everyone to see. 

Trust me, I've had some bad things posted on facebook. And thank god for my micro-managing, because otherwise, I would have gotten some concerned messages. 

Anyway.

I read some things on my facebook that really kind of upset me. 

Things about the way I used to be in high school and all that. It hurts to know that some people just make assumptions about me before they even know the full story. 

I will be the first to admit, I have some problems. And from an outside perspective, without any explanation, I can see how they would be cause for some nasty rumors. But seriously??

I mean, I heard that a rumor circulated my high school after I moved, saying things like, I was moving after I attacked a kid at school. 

Really?

All 5'7" of me ATTACKED a boy at school? Me?

Something about me being a pagan who was preforming some spell on this boy to have control over him. 

Whoever started this rumor must have been in league with the person who started the "cat boy raper" rumor when I was at school. And if you're reading this; you should consider a career in writing fiction, because DAMN.

No, everyone. I did not preform anything like that, Nor did I have any intentions on harming anyone at or near that school. 

I simply moved, because my family needed a new start, and to be closer to my aging relatives in Colorado Springs.

Wellington did nothing good for me, besides give me life experiences in how NOT to grow up. 

And thank god for the move, because at the time I was stuck in this horrible place. My priorities were messed up.

But moving on, since that's only the morning... and this is a blog, not a novel...

So after writing a letter to someone that was accusing me of being a worshiping the devil,

I played a bit on youtube. 

I started watching videos on cars-- because I don't think anything else online can give me that happy quick-fix like the rev of a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport. 

(I am such a man.)

My mom went out to get a christmas tree and some groceries at this point, so I texted my best friend to get on skype. 

Skype should be getting paid for how long they let me on. What was it, 10 hours yesterday, and I'm sure something around 7 so far today. It's just nice to have that person with you all the time. Someone who understands you, and who doesn't judge when you dance to music videos eating chocolate pudding and horrible pizza. 

We watched countless youtube videos, set up our blogs, I created this hilarious ( in my opinion...) picture, 

and I totally got out-geeked by Nolan, as he showed me the little technical details of how to make my blog look awesome.

(Thank you!!)

So here I am. I honestly can't say that I've had a really exciting day. I mean, how exciting could it be considering that this is my 3rd blog post?

So that's it, everyone. 

My day.

In a nutshell.

Tomorrow I'm waking up early to put up christmas decorations around the house.

(Early being like, 9:30. Shuddup, I graduated, I've earned it.)

And I don't know why... but I definately feel like I should be getting down with a Harry Potter marathon soon. 

So goodnight, everyone. Hope everyone has such a nice night... and I hope you all have fun waking up early to do whatever it is you busy people do. 

Monday morning coming soon with the rise and grind...

Get some sleep (: