Ahhhh Colorado. I vaguely remember it being sunny last week. Do you remember that? I remember walking outside in jeans and a t-shirt. What happened?
Oh that's right. We're in Colorado. Where you can have every kind of weather within hours of each other.
I also remember my backyard having 3 levels, and so far... I only see one level of snow. When I went out there this morning, I got stuck up to my thigh in snow. Thank you, mother nature.
So...
My mood: Happy. Not necessarily an extreme mood. Just vaguely happy.
Where I am: The bed. Of course.
I'm watching a show called "Beyond Scared Straight".
( Watch the episode here. )
It's show where they get teenagers who have issues with fighting, drug use... ect.
And they bring them to inmates who have done the same thing.
They take the handcuffs off murderers and let them get in these kids faces. Rapists. They take the handcuffs off prison inmates and let them scream, yell, and cuss at these kids.
It's scary, I'm not going to lie.
There's a part in the episode, where a woman officer comes up to 3 of the girls, and says; "You may want to pull up your shirts. These men here? The one's that are looking at you? They aren't looking at you because they like you. They're looking at you, because they haven't had sex in years".
The inmates were yelling from behind their' cell doors, and one of them began saying "I want the small one right there".
They let the inmates openly talk about raping, killing... hurting these kids. To their faces.
It's supposed to scare them.
And it does.
As the officer just said, "Most kids leave with their tails between their' legs".
I could never be in jail/prison. I'd be so dead.
I'm not saying I don't have an attitude.
God knows I do.
But I also couldn't hurt someone unless I had a good reason.
I couldn't handle the fighting every day.
Ahh... but besides me watching tv shows... (because I don't think anyone really wants to read that.)
I'm hoping to go out tonight. I probably will. I have SO many chores to do first though. And I'll actually do a rant blog tonight before I go to sleep.
Because this is just a talking blog (:
So everyone... Have a good day! I'll see you tonight.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thank you, Depression.
I'm writing this blog before I look at anything else online. So this is how I feel... before being affected by anyone or anything. I haven't even opened my mouth (literally) to speak at all this morning. I have not said a word to anyone or anything. I haven't had any contact to the outside world. The blinds are down. I can't see outside. It's dark in my room... ( must be a cold, snowy day??) so none of these feelings are the cause of anyone or anything else.
It's 2pm.
(Phone beeped)
I can feel my depression creeping through me. Like the way a fog creeps over a town. More like a ghost town actually. Where no one's talking, thinking, moving.
Just a blanket of fog around a ghost town.
I know that last night was rough, and since this is my cyber-therapist blog, I have to admit all of the ugly holes in my life. I have to explain myself to someone... or something.
(Phone beeped)
I think insanity is caused by the lack of communication between the person with the problems, and the rest of the world. At least this way.... I know that someone might be reading this post, and maybe even someone will be able to relate.
Depression is horrible. I'm not saying that depression is my only issue. God knows I have plenty more. It's just that depression is the cause of how I feel right now.
And I can openly admit that.
(Phone beeped)
(Phone beeped)
I know myself well enough, to know the cause of everything I feel.
Or don't feel.
And this afternoon/morning... It's depression.
Last night, I had some things happen. First of all, being that I went off. I fought, tooth and nail... not just with myself, but with other people. I don't know if there was even a reason for it. Maybe I just felt like I needed to push everyone far away for the night. Of course, now.... I'm regretting it. I have to fix it all. And I can hear my phone beeping. I know people are texting me. Probably angry with me.
Being honest, someone texted me this morning, before I fell asleep. They were upset. I could tell. They were already hurting, and for some reason, I reacted. I couldn't help it... something inside of me just snapped. I immediately fought them off. Severing any ties between me and them for the night.
My phone wasn't working last night either. I don't know why. It's done this once before... I just (phone beeped again.)
don't know why.
It stops receiving and sending texts. Not calls... just texts.
So that happened... And I just got all of the texts this morning.
( I can tell, because it went on a ridiculous buzzing sh-peal. ) So I upset people, and then just "stopped texting".
So I hurt that person...
and then I was frustrated about another person... and I kind of got angry with them. And then stopped texting. And that one will be the easiest one to repair. Only because I didn't say anything mean, I was just obviously upset with them.
The 3rd person was being equally mean at the end. They started out with a nice conversation, but since I was on a short fuse, I got easily upset with one question they asked.
I know It was a simple question.... I get that. I just feel that a bit more thinking, and they could have figured out the obvious answer themselves. And I didn't feel like I should have to answer.
Simple enough.
I know that they wont want to talk to me this morning...
(afternoon...)
so that ship sailed.
But on top of all the bullshit that happened... I'm depressed just because I am. It really doesn't have anything
(phone beeped)
to do with anyone.
I just feel miserable.
My eyes feel extremely heavy. Like bowling balls are sitting in my eye sockets. My head is hard to keep up... and I feel extremely cold... even though I'm under 3 comforters.
Every part of me feels like it's weighed down.
But I'm going to check my texts now... To see what's been happening.
Ahh. Wonderful texts I've received. Of course, none of them happy. I should have known that. I almost miss the days when I would wake up to good morning texts from people I loved.
But so what, right?
You know how people say, " I was born alone, so I can be alone and shouldn't be affected"?
The only thing is...
when you were born, you were born loved. Maybe you came out of the womb naked and without the friends you have now...
but you were loved.
Love is something fickle.
People can fall out of love with you. People can learn to hate you. And it's not under your control. Your friends are. You can make friends with anyone you please. There's always a way to have friends. But people who love you?
No.
You have to just wake up, and hope to God that someone still loves you.
It's luck.
And right now... I can't honestly say that I don't think anyone loves me.
And it hurts... more than anything.
It's 2pm.
(Phone beeped)
I can feel my depression creeping through me. Like the way a fog creeps over a town. More like a ghost town actually. Where no one's talking, thinking, moving.
Just a blanket of fog around a ghost town.
I know that last night was rough, and since this is my cyber-therapist blog, I have to admit all of the ugly holes in my life. I have to explain myself to someone... or something.
(Phone beeped)
I think insanity is caused by the lack of communication between the person with the problems, and the rest of the world. At least this way.... I know that someone might be reading this post, and maybe even someone will be able to relate.
Depression is horrible. I'm not saying that depression is my only issue. God knows I have plenty more. It's just that depression is the cause of how I feel right now.
And I can openly admit that.
(Phone beeped)
(Phone beeped)
I know myself well enough, to know the cause of everything I feel.
Or don't feel.
And this afternoon/morning... It's depression.
Last night, I had some things happen. First of all, being that I went off. I fought, tooth and nail... not just with myself, but with other people. I don't know if there was even a reason for it. Maybe I just felt like I needed to push everyone far away for the night. Of course, now.... I'm regretting it. I have to fix it all. And I can hear my phone beeping. I know people are texting me. Probably angry with me.
Being honest, someone texted me this morning, before I fell asleep. They were upset. I could tell. They were already hurting, and for some reason, I reacted. I couldn't help it... something inside of me just snapped. I immediately fought them off. Severing any ties between me and them for the night.
My phone wasn't working last night either. I don't know why. It's done this once before... I just (phone beeped again.)
don't know why.
It stops receiving and sending texts. Not calls... just texts.
So that happened... And I just got all of the texts this morning.
( I can tell, because it went on a ridiculous buzzing sh-peal. ) So I upset people, and then just "stopped texting".
So I hurt that person...
and then I was frustrated about another person... and I kind of got angry with them. And then stopped texting. And that one will be the easiest one to repair. Only because I didn't say anything mean, I was just obviously upset with them.
The 3rd person was being equally mean at the end. They started out with a nice conversation, but since I was on a short fuse, I got easily upset with one question they asked.
I know It was a simple question.... I get that. I just feel that a bit more thinking, and they could have figured out the obvious answer themselves. And I didn't feel like I should have to answer.
Simple enough.
I know that they wont want to talk to me this morning...
(afternoon...)
so that ship sailed.
But on top of all the bullshit that happened... I'm depressed just because I am. It really doesn't have anything
(phone beeped)
to do with anyone.
I just feel miserable.
My eyes feel extremely heavy. Like bowling balls are sitting in my eye sockets. My head is hard to keep up... and I feel extremely cold... even though I'm under 3 comforters.
Every part of me feels like it's weighed down.
But I'm going to check my texts now... To see what's been happening.
Ahh. Wonderful texts I've received. Of course, none of them happy. I should have known that. I almost miss the days when I would wake up to good morning texts from people I loved.
But so what, right?
You know how people say, " I was born alone, so I can be alone and shouldn't be affected"?
The only thing is...
when you were born, you were born loved. Maybe you came out of the womb naked and without the friends you have now...
but you were loved.
Love is something fickle.
People can fall out of love with you. People can learn to hate you. And it's not under your control. Your friends are. You can make friends with anyone you please. There's always a way to have friends. But people who love you?
No.
You have to just wake up, and hope to God that someone still loves you.
It's luck.
And right now... I can't honestly say that I don't think anyone loves me.
And it hurts... more than anything.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Let's talk illuminati.
Because I don't want to explain it in my own words, here is the definition of illuminati:
The Illuminati, translated as the people of the light, refers to several groups and to prevailing conspiracy theories about some of these groups’ importance or continued influence in the modern world. Most specifically, the Illuminati were a radical group in Bavaria founded in 1776, which gave rise to other countries also forming Illuminati groups.
The Bavarian Illuminati, as well as its offshoot groups, was a secret society, to which many politicians and intellectuals were drawn. The Society of Masons was thought to have close ties with members of the Illuminati, and many Masons joined the Illuminati. Some Mason groups felt that they were religiously conflicted with the Illuminati because many Illuminati members were atheists.
As far as history can suggest, Illuminati groups from Europe were some of the more advanced thinkers of the time period, reflecting humanism philosophy emerging at the time. They were opposed to power exerted by churches and by the nobility. The organization, as a secret society, was illegal. During its early years, this secret society may have had as many as 10 branches in Europe and 2000 members drawn from the intellectuals in Europe. According to historical sources, the Illuminati fell apart by 1795.
But some people say that this isn't true. Recently, I've been hearing rumors about Ms. Lady Gaga being a part of the illuminati. I really doubt that... I mean... Lady Gaga has a lot of references in her music videos to the illuminati, but the only reason she's getting so much crap for it, is because people are specifically looking for things that could be related to the illuminati.
For example, this video.
People are looking for things to connect. I'm sure you could find numerous videos with the number 6 in them. Lady gaga likes things that are odd. Not satanic.
I'm not saying she's not part of the illuminati. Because that would mean that I would be sure of the answers, and I'm not. I'm just saying that having some references to things that COULD be considered satanic doesn't mean a thing.
Check out these other short videos:
These are all personal thoughts on Lady Gaga and the illuminati.
What's people don't understand, is that lady gaga doesn't even get to choose when she takes a shower. Much less what she puts in her videos. She's society's puppet... not the devils. She shows what people want to see. She doesn't choose her outfits. She doesn't choose her choreography in the videos.
People make false assumptions of her way of life, only from what they say in the videos. This is just like the " Lady Gaga has a penis" rumor.
And by the way... she doesn't.
I haven't seen any videos that "prove" lady gaga's loyalty to the devil when she's not preforming, or dressed up. It's all during interviews or music videos.
So that's my rant this morning... I don't think Lady Gaga's part of the Illuminati, but that's just my opinion.
(: Food for thought.
Here's something interesting you might also want to look at.
Go to google,
type in " illuminati " backwards, followed by a ".com".
( So, itanimulli.com )
and see the first resault that pops up.
I'll give you a hint. It's our National Security Agency's official website. (;
Have a good day everyone... see you tonight!
I'm blogging because I have to.
I'm not tired right now. Yes, I realize it's almost 2 am... but I feel like it's mid afternoon. My body clock is so off. I'm not blogging because I want to , I'm actually blogging because I made a promise to myself to blog daily, so I don't go into overdrive.
So... my day, right? That's usually how I start my mini-rants.
I went to Colorado Springs today to help my great grandmother make cookies for Christmas, and I helped her deliver them. That part was fine... I just had a bit of difficulty getting there with my family.
We were bumped (on purpose ) by a motorcyclist on the drive there, and he sped off, and when we happened to see him again at another stoplight, he got paranoid and got off his bike in the middle of the road to confront my mother.
Not only did he stop traffic, but he tapped on the drivers window, and started the confrontation with; "Can I help you".
My mom then went out to bitch him out, scare the living daylights out of this wannabe Jersey Shore character.
(No joke... He had the designs shaved into his head. )
He then sped off, after hopping on his little toy street bike.
He had the voice of sloth from the Goonies too, I swear to God. I almost hope that he's a computer buff, and that one day he'll read this and go: "Oh my God, I am such an ass".
Because really, my dear, you are.
Besides that though, I went to the Cidadel shopping mall in south Colorado Springs as well, and can you say "dumbasses"?
The building was littered with horribly dressed emo kids and "hard" gangsters (and their baby mama's.)
Have you ever seen those kids that wear cotton gloves to "hide their' fingerprints"?
Ridiculous little creeps.
I mean, I've seen 12 year old boys doing that.
Do you realize how idiotic you look with short sleeves and little mittens?
Maybe your mother didn't teach you how to dress yourself, but take it from someone who at least tries to dress with the weather--
short sleeves and gloves don't go together.
On top of that, no one cares about your fingerprints.
If the police actually cared about finding you, I'm sure a hair strand with your DNA would do just as well.
So please,
by all means,
start wearing hair nets, you hard ass thugs.
And word to the wise when it comes to trying to dress emo,
Don't wear those damn punched out 3D glasses.
You look like an idiot.
I mean, not like you didn't look like an idiot before the glasses.
I'm just saying, that if you bypass the skinny jeans that are one size too small,
the converse your mommy bought for you after you cried and threatened to kill yourself,
the dry, broken straw on your head that you call hair,
and the band t-shirts that you all happen to have,
( you're so individual. )
Those glasses make you look like a pathetic rip off of McJagger.
And for the love of GOD,
stop grouping around hot topic.
Like, we know your soul is so damn dark, and that your surroundings have to match your outfits,
but if you go outside and stand in the street, it matches just as well.
I mean, stay away from those bright orange traffic cones though.
Too happy for you.
Honestly, I know I'm hardcore trolling on the people of the Cidadel mall,
But seriously, guys??
You have nothing better to do with your time, that stand around in a business area, being seen next to the stores you so avidly represent?
I have an amazing idea.
Go to school,
get an education,
and get a job.
Back to my day though, I suppose. All of this stupidity has me distracted, and I'm in the mood to rip people's cyber heads off.
I went through the mall, stopping at the candy store to get some Cow Tales.
And I know I've been avoiding eating them for a while... I guess they just brought back some unfriendly memories. But I managed
(managed... such a funny word. What I mean to say was that I...)
Scarfed down a cow tale faster than I got it out of the package.
Love my candy.
I also went into the Gamestop to look at games that I wanted for Christmas, and the store clerk went straight to my younger brother to ask him what he was looking for.
Uhm, hello darling. He's not looking at anything, actually. I am.
I understand it's a bit difficult to grasp the concept of anything with a vagina getting near a controller of any type, but the decent thing you could do is ask.
EVEN IF I wanted a DS game. ( Which I don't. Thanks for politely asking me that much later).
I actually was drooling over a few games you had that just came out. None of that mario kart shit.
I don't want your princess games,
and I don't want a game for a wii.
I don't actually own a DS, that would be the child you asked first. My younger brother is the one who shies away from gaming.
From personal experience, since I applied where I used to live,
I know exactly what the qualifications are to work at Gamestop. And I know you can't be that big of an idiot to ignore the female looking at a collection of ELDER SCROLLS games in the back.
Or maybe you were too busy looking at my tits?
Besides all that BS that went on today, I'd have to say it was a pretty good day. I got some of my christmas presents, and I got some great pictures of me playing in the flour.
(No 'get in the kitchen' comments, please. )
I had a relaxed day, and I can honestly say that my night was great. I got to talk to someone I love talking to, and I know I'm going to get some good sleep.
I hope you guys enjoyed my rant for the evening...
or...
my 2:11am rant?
I'm always a day late.
Have a great night guys... and hopefully you're already asleep.
So have a good morning (:
So... my day, right? That's usually how I start my mini-rants.
I went to Colorado Springs today to help my great grandmother make cookies for Christmas, and I helped her deliver them. That part was fine... I just had a bit of difficulty getting there with my family.
We were bumped (on purpose ) by a motorcyclist on the drive there, and he sped off, and when we happened to see him again at another stoplight, he got paranoid and got off his bike in the middle of the road to confront my mother.
Not only did he stop traffic, but he tapped on the drivers window, and started the confrontation with; "Can I help you".
My mom then went out to bitch him out, scare the living daylights out of this wannabe Jersey Shore character.
(No joke... He had the designs shaved into his head. )
He then sped off, after hopping on his little toy street bike.
He had the voice of sloth from the Goonies too, I swear to God. I almost hope that he's a computer buff, and that one day he'll read this and go: "Oh my God, I am such an ass".
Because really, my dear, you are.
Besides that though, I went to the Cidadel shopping mall in south Colorado Springs as well, and can you say "dumbasses"?
The building was littered with horribly dressed emo kids and "hard" gangsters (and their baby mama's.)
Have you ever seen those kids that wear cotton gloves to "hide their' fingerprints"?
Ridiculous little creeps.
I mean, I've seen 12 year old boys doing that.
Do you realize how idiotic you look with short sleeves and little mittens?
Maybe your mother didn't teach you how to dress yourself, but take it from someone who at least tries to dress with the weather--
short sleeves and gloves don't go together.
On top of that, no one cares about your fingerprints.
If the police actually cared about finding you, I'm sure a hair strand with your DNA would do just as well.
So please,
by all means,
start wearing hair nets, you hard ass thugs.
And word to the wise when it comes to trying to dress emo,
Don't wear those damn punched out 3D glasses.
You look like an idiot.
I mean, not like you didn't look like an idiot before the glasses.
I'm just saying, that if you bypass the skinny jeans that are one size too small,
the converse your mommy bought for you after you cried and threatened to kill yourself,
the dry, broken straw on your head that you call hair,
and the band t-shirts that you all happen to have,
( you're so individual. )
Those glasses make you look like a pathetic rip off of McJagger.
And for the love of GOD,
stop grouping around hot topic.
Like, we know your soul is so damn dark, and that your surroundings have to match your outfits,
but if you go outside and stand in the street, it matches just as well.
I mean, stay away from those bright orange traffic cones though.
Too happy for you.
Honestly, I know I'm hardcore trolling on the people of the Cidadel mall,
But seriously, guys??
You have nothing better to do with your time, that stand around in a business area, being seen next to the stores you so avidly represent?
I have an amazing idea.
Go to school,
get an education,
and get a job.
Back to my day though, I suppose. All of this stupidity has me distracted, and I'm in the mood to rip people's cyber heads off.
I went through the mall, stopping at the candy store to get some Cow Tales.
And I know I've been avoiding eating them for a while... I guess they just brought back some unfriendly memories. But I managed
(managed... such a funny word. What I mean to say was that I...)
Scarfed down a cow tale faster than I got it out of the package.
Love my candy.
I also went into the Gamestop to look at games that I wanted for Christmas, and the store clerk went straight to my younger brother to ask him what he was looking for.
Uhm, hello darling. He's not looking at anything, actually. I am.
I understand it's a bit difficult to grasp the concept of anything with a vagina getting near a controller of any type, but the decent thing you could do is ask.
EVEN IF I wanted a DS game. ( Which I don't. Thanks for politely asking me that much later).
I actually was drooling over a few games you had that just came out. None of that mario kart shit.
I don't want your princess games,
and I don't want a game for a wii.
I don't actually own a DS, that would be the child you asked first. My younger brother is the one who shies away from gaming.
From personal experience, since I applied where I used to live,
I know exactly what the qualifications are to work at Gamestop. And I know you can't be that big of an idiot to ignore the female looking at a collection of ELDER SCROLLS games in the back.
Or maybe you were too busy looking at my tits?
Besides all that BS that went on today, I'd have to say it was a pretty good day. I got some of my christmas presents, and I got some great pictures of me playing in the flour.
(No 'get in the kitchen' comments, please. )
I had a relaxed day, and I can honestly say that my night was great. I got to talk to someone I love talking to, and I know I'm going to get some good sleep.
I hope you guys enjoyed my rant for the evening...
or...
my 2:11am rant?
I'm always a day late.
Have a great night guys... and hopefully you're already asleep.
So have a good morning (:
Friday, December 16, 2011
I shouldn't have to wake up.
I went to bed around 4am this morning... I really feel like I should have been able to sleep longer than 7am.
But I guess my body's going into this "function under any condition" mode, like an all-terrain vehicle. Thank god for the separation of body and mind. At least my body's still running like a diesel... my brain feels like a train crash.
Speaking of... did anyone else see that super 8 movie that came out a while ago? About the kids who film short films, and they see a train crash and monster?
You don't know what I'm talking about, hmm?
Alright.
So anyway...
as a general rule, When a woman wakes up from a long night, you'd expect her to have some mascara running down her face or something.
Not with me though.
Noooo.
I have mascara on my face,
on my wrists,
palms,
fingers...
Like, I am praying I don't get any on my laptop.
Last night ( as I'm sure you can read by the blog post ) was pretty hard... and the fact that someone kept calling me and asking me what was wrong didn't help. I actually answered the first time, and then as soon as I realized where the conversation was going, I hung up.
And then of course I was bombarded with endless calls, some apologizing, some yelling at me for hanging up on them.
I let them go to voicemail.
Oh my god, I've never had a hangover, but I'd imagine that this is what it would feel like.
My eyes can barely stay open.
At least I know I don't have a busy day.
I don't even have to put makeup on, I think. I believe I'm not even going anywhere.
( Let's hope. )
I forgot to mention something about last night that's interesting.
Will and I had to help someone get rid of their rat. So we all took it out to a field, and let it loose.
Which was sad... I mean... I know the rat's probably dead now. It's freezing at night here in the winter, and it was a pet. I'm almost hoping that the rat will be like a super little strong man, and defy the odds. Maybe he'll live a long life. Happy in a large field to play in. Maybe he'll just pop up one day, right back with his owner, and be like; "Oh hi, I'm back! I missed you". Maybe he'll survive.
Ahh who am I kidding, I know the rat's already dead.
Well.... here's my blog this morning. Nothing's going on today, so I'm more than positive I'll be back later on, blogging some more.
Good morning everyone. Hope you woke up mascara free (:
But I guess my body's going into this "function under any condition" mode, like an all-terrain vehicle. Thank god for the separation of body and mind. At least my body's still running like a diesel... my brain feels like a train crash.
Speaking of... did anyone else see that super 8 movie that came out a while ago? About the kids who film short films, and they see a train crash and monster?
You don't know what I'm talking about, hmm?
Alright.
So anyway...
as a general rule, When a woman wakes up from a long night, you'd expect her to have some mascara running down her face or something.
Not with me though.
Noooo.
I have mascara on my face,
on my wrists,
palms,
fingers...
Like, I am praying I don't get any on my laptop.
Last night ( as I'm sure you can read by the blog post ) was pretty hard... and the fact that someone kept calling me and asking me what was wrong didn't help. I actually answered the first time, and then as soon as I realized where the conversation was going, I hung up.
And then of course I was bombarded with endless calls, some apologizing, some yelling at me for hanging up on them.
I let them go to voicemail.
Oh my god, I've never had a hangover, but I'd imagine that this is what it would feel like.
My eyes can barely stay open.
At least I know I don't have a busy day.
I don't even have to put makeup on, I think. I believe I'm not even going anywhere.
( Let's hope. )
I forgot to mention something about last night that's interesting.
Will and I had to help someone get rid of their rat. So we all took it out to a field, and let it loose.
Which was sad... I mean... I know the rat's probably dead now. It's freezing at night here in the winter, and it was a pet. I'm almost hoping that the rat will be like a super little strong man, and defy the odds. Maybe he'll live a long life. Happy in a large field to play in. Maybe he'll just pop up one day, right back with his owner, and be like; "Oh hi, I'm back! I missed you". Maybe he'll survive.
Ahh who am I kidding, I know the rat's already dead.
Well.... here's my blog this morning. Nothing's going on today, so I'm more than positive I'll be back later on, blogging some more.
Good morning everyone. Hope you woke up mascara free (:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)