Don't know about tonight...

My depression is increasing every day.
I feel it eating away at me.
My texts aren't working either.
So even though I'm in a room full of people as I blog... I can't even begin to describe how empty I am.
I'm tired of liars.
Tired of broken promises.
I thought I could do this on my own. And I can't.
I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through until April.
Much less strong enough to make it through tonight alone....
I'm surrounded by loud gunfire...
What is this game...?
Uncharted.
They wanted me to play, but after a few minutes I could barely move my hands.
I'm miserable.
Why doesn't anyone tell me they love me...?
Does anyone love me?
Am I just another face...?
I hear repetitive scratching to my left.... Someone scribbling on a piece of paper. I know this girl doesn't like me. I know that. I also know that she's not actually drawing anything. She's literally just scratching the paper with the pencil. It's like she knows it's setting me off.
I'm being paranoid.
She couldn't know.
No one here knows.

The cat next to me sleeps funny.
Sleeps like a dog.
But his tongue sticks out of his mouth because of something in his mouth.
I don't remember what.
Poor cat.
I'm disoriented.
I can't think.
I'm glad I didn't drive.
I think that I would have driven myself off a cliff. Or... What do they have out here...?
Sand dune.
I would have plowed into a dirt hole.
I would almost go as far as saying I'd like to jump in a frozen pond.
Break the top ice,
And get stuck underneath.
I'd like to freeze, become numb...
and slip away.

I won't, of course. This is just fantasy.
I should probably get back to the game.
They've lost. Multiple times.
I wish I could move.
I'll blog later.

I couldn't hear you over the gunfire... Sorry.

Word to the wise... if you call me while I'm playing Black Ops... and all you hear in the background is shooting... It might be good if you called me back later. 
Not only will you not get a straight answer from me, ( no matter what question you ask... )
I'll get slightly annoyed.
If there's gunfire... I'm busy.
If there's loud subs in the background, I'm busy.
If there's yelling, 
cussing,
screaming,
laughing,
fighting,
crying...
IN THE BACKGROUND,
I
AM
BUSY.


And see, I'm not busy often. But you can't get mad at me, when I don't respond to you. I seriously am fully concentrating on whatever I happen to be playing at the time.


So after that mini rant, I suppose I'll tell you about my day. 


Mood: Tired, happy.
Where I am: ( I'm going to delete this section... I'm always on my bed. )


Today was extremely boring. I can't honestly say that I did anything life impacting or amazing. I was lazy for the most part. I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 while I cleaned my room, and then uploaded a video to youtube, that you can watch


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Here <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


And I took a shower. Was on skype for a bit afterwards, and got myself together around 8:30pm to go out and do what I always do...
play video games. 
That seems to be my whole life recently. Especially Black Ops.
Although... I played the new Assassin's Creed Revelations tonight as well... And I have to admit, I'm a bit upset that you can't play it split screen. ( No fun. )
I also didn't like the limited mobility I had throughout the start of the game. I would have preferred to have a larger area to find and assassinate my targets. It would have made the hunt better. But it really doesn't feel too different from the other AC's.  Same shit, different disk.
But the fun part of tonight, was the mini snow fight Will and I had in my front lawn. Of course... I started the whole thing. I kicked a giant snow drift at him, and he returned the favor. 
I honestly don't like snow very much. 
It's cold... wet.
I like the way it looks, but DAMN.
Do I need to risk the possibility of having my fingers turn black and fall off to witness it's beauty?
Ugh.
I really feel irritated now. 
I feel lost. 
And I can feel my depression sliding it's fingers across my throat. Waiting to choke me.... so I better go to sleep. Amazingly enough, this was my whole day. Like I said... I don't do anything. 
Goodnight everyone.

Welcome to Colorado, we have everything.

Ahhhh Colorado. I vaguely remember it being sunny last week. Do you remember that? I remember walking outside in jeans and a t-shirt. What happened?
Oh that's right. We're in Colorado. Where you can have every kind of weather within hours of each other. 
I also remember my backyard having 3 levels, and so far... I only see one level of snow. When I went out there this morning, I got stuck up to my thigh in snow. Thank you, mother nature.


So...
My mood: Happy. Not necessarily an extreme mood. Just vaguely happy.
Where I am: The bed. Of course.


I'm watching a show called "Beyond Scared Straight".
( Watch the episode here. )

 It's show where they get teenagers who have issues with fighting, drug use... ect.
And they bring them to inmates who have done the same thing.
They take the handcuffs off murderers and let them get in these kids faces. Rapists. They take the handcuffs off prison inmates and let them scream, yell, and cuss at these kids. 
It's scary, I'm not going to lie. 
There's a part in the episode, where a woman officer comes up to 3 of the girls, and says; "You may want to pull up your shirts. These men here? The one's that are looking at you? They aren't looking at you because they like you. They're looking at you, because they haven't had sex in years".
The inmates were yelling from behind their' cell doors, and one of them began saying "I want the small one right there".
They let the inmates openly talk about raping, killing... hurting these kids. To their faces.
It's supposed to scare them.
And it does. 
As the officer just said, "Most kids leave with their tails between their' legs".
I could never be in jail/prison. I'd be so dead. 
I'm not saying I don't have an attitude.
God knows I do. 
But I also couldn't hurt someone unless I had a good reason. 
I couldn't handle the fighting every day.


Ahh... but besides me watching tv shows... (because I don't think anyone really wants to read that.)
I'm hoping to go out tonight. I probably will. I have SO many chores to do first though. And I'll actually do a rant blog tonight before I go to sleep. 
Because this is just a talking blog (:


So everyone... Have a good day! I'll see you tonight.

I shouldn't have to wake up.

I went to bed around 4am this morning... I really feel like I should have been able to sleep longer than 7am.
But I guess my body's going into this "function under any condition" mode, like an all-terrain vehicle. Thank god for the separation of body and mind.  At least my body's still running like a diesel... my brain feels like a train crash.
Speaking of... did anyone else see that super 8 movie that came out a while ago? About the kids who film short films, and they see a train crash and monster?
You don't know what I'm talking about, hmm?
Alright.


So anyway... 
as a general rule, When a woman wakes up from a long night, you'd expect her to have some mascara running down her face or something.
Not with me though.
Noooo.
I have mascara on my face, 
on my wrists,
palms, 
fingers...
Like, I am praying I don't get any on my laptop.


Last night ( as I'm sure you can read by the blog post ) was pretty hard... and the fact that someone kept calling me and asking me what was wrong didn't help. I actually answered the first time, and then as soon as I realized where the conversation was going, I hung up.
And then of course I was bombarded with endless calls, some apologizing,  some yelling at me for hanging up on them.
I let them go to voicemail. 


Oh my god, I've never had a hangover, but I'd imagine that this is what it would feel like.
My eyes can barely stay open.
At least I know I don't have a busy day. 
I don't even have to put makeup on, I think. I believe I'm not even going anywhere.
( Let's hope. )


I forgot to mention something about last night that's interesting.
Will and I had to help someone get rid of their rat. So we all took it out to a field, and let it loose. 
Which was sad... I mean... I know the rat's probably dead now. It's freezing at night here in the winter, and it was a pet. I'm almost hoping that the rat will be like a super little strong man, and defy the odds. Maybe he'll live a long life. Happy in a large field to play in. Maybe he'll just pop up one day, right back with his owner, and be like; "Oh hi, I'm back! I missed you". Maybe he'll survive.
Ahh who am I kidding, I know the rat's already dead.




Well.... here's my blog this morning. Nothing's going on today, so I'm more than positive I'll be back later on, blogging some more. 
Good morning everyone. Hope you woke up mascara free (:

I made this blog, because no one will listen to me.

If I'm being honest, I envy people who can see a therapist. Even if they pay them, at least someone hears them talk, and doesn't start drama with them for their opinions. 

So this is why I'm making a blog. 

This is my mini cyber-therapist, that's going to save me from bursting.

I wont hold out on here, I will spill the little details of what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Because someone needs to hear me. I mean- I think I have some great ideas. And if someone just happens to read this blog, and like my ideas... Well they are more than welcome to keep reading, because it's a free country. 

So here you are, cyber therapist. 

I will start tonight. (: