Don't know about tonight...

My depression is increasing every day.
I feel it eating away at me.
My texts aren't working either.
So even though I'm in a room full of people as I blog... I can't even begin to describe how empty I am.
I'm tired of liars.
Tired of broken promises.
I thought I could do this on my own. And I can't.
I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through until April.
Much less strong enough to make it through tonight alone....
I'm surrounded by loud gunfire...
What is this game...?
Uncharted.
They wanted me to play, but after a few minutes I could barely move my hands.
I'm miserable.
Why doesn't anyone tell me they love me...?
Does anyone love me?
Am I just another face...?
I hear repetitive scratching to my left.... Someone scribbling on a piece of paper. I know this girl doesn't like me. I know that. I also know that she's not actually drawing anything. She's literally just scratching the paper with the pencil. It's like she knows it's setting me off.
I'm being paranoid.
She couldn't know.
No one here knows.

The cat next to me sleeps funny.
Sleeps like a dog.
But his tongue sticks out of his mouth because of something in his mouth.
I don't remember what.
Poor cat.
I'm disoriented.
I can't think.
I'm glad I didn't drive.
I think that I would have driven myself off a cliff. Or... What do they have out here...?
Sand dune.
I would have plowed into a dirt hole.
I would almost go as far as saying I'd like to jump in a frozen pond.
Break the top ice,
And get stuck underneath.
I'd like to freeze, become numb...
and slip away.

I won't, of course. This is just fantasy.
I should probably get back to the game.
They've lost. Multiple times.
I wish I could move.
I'll blog later.

I couldn't hear you over the gunfire... Sorry.

Word to the wise... if you call me while I'm playing Black Ops... and all you hear in the background is shooting... It might be good if you called me back later. 
Not only will you not get a straight answer from me, ( no matter what question you ask... )
I'll get slightly annoyed.
If there's gunfire... I'm busy.
If there's loud subs in the background, I'm busy.
If there's yelling, 
cussing,
screaming,
laughing,
fighting,
crying...
IN THE BACKGROUND,
I
AM
BUSY.


And see, I'm not busy often. But you can't get mad at me, when I don't respond to you. I seriously am fully concentrating on whatever I happen to be playing at the time.


So after that mini rant, I suppose I'll tell you about my day. 


Mood: Tired, happy.
Where I am: ( I'm going to delete this section... I'm always on my bed. )


Today was extremely boring. I can't honestly say that I did anything life impacting or amazing. I was lazy for the most part. I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 while I cleaned my room, and then uploaded a video to youtube, that you can watch


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Here <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


And I took a shower. Was on skype for a bit afterwards, and got myself together around 8:30pm to go out and do what I always do...
play video games. 
That seems to be my whole life recently. Especially Black Ops.
Although... I played the new Assassin's Creed Revelations tonight as well... And I have to admit, I'm a bit upset that you can't play it split screen. ( No fun. )
I also didn't like the limited mobility I had throughout the start of the game. I would have preferred to have a larger area to find and assassinate my targets. It would have made the hunt better. But it really doesn't feel too different from the other AC's.  Same shit, different disk.
But the fun part of tonight, was the mini snow fight Will and I had in my front lawn. Of course... I started the whole thing. I kicked a giant snow drift at him, and he returned the favor. 
I honestly don't like snow very much. 
It's cold... wet.
I like the way it looks, but DAMN.
Do I need to risk the possibility of having my fingers turn black and fall off to witness it's beauty?
Ugh.
I really feel irritated now. 
I feel lost. 
And I can feel my depression sliding it's fingers across my throat. Waiting to choke me.... so I better go to sleep. Amazingly enough, this was my whole day. Like I said... I don't do anything. 
Goodnight everyone.

I made this blog, because no one will listen to me.

If I'm being honest, I envy people who can see a therapist. Even if they pay them, at least someone hears them talk, and doesn't start drama with them for their opinions. 

So this is why I'm making a blog. 

This is my mini cyber-therapist, that's going to save me from bursting.

I wont hold out on here, I will spill the little details of what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Because someone needs to hear me. I mean- I think I have some great ideas. And if someone just happens to read this blog, and like my ideas... Well they are more than welcome to keep reading, because it's a free country. 

So here you are, cyber therapist. 

I will start tonight. (: