This... right here... is my swag.

You know, this week I've been horribly depressed. 
I'm sure you could all tell from my blog posts... ( especially  my 3 word post... )
But I think I'm slowly getting better. 
I mean, some things have happened in the last 2 days that just made me extremely happy. Of course, I'm not going to go into details. But the gist of it, is that I know what I want. I was struggling to find and help myself. I felt like I was drowning. But now, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and what I'm capable of. 
I wont lie though... I feel like I miss the old days. I honestly wish I could go back to summer of 2011... I honestly didn't have a care in the world. 
I thought I did... but I was so wrong. I was happy, free to do what I wanted. I was hardly home, which was SO nice. 
I hate being home. So much tension. Pressure. Too much to handle on top of the normal every day shit. 
Ah. 
So I guess that last year was my year to change. 
I changed a lot of things last year. Not all for the better. 
I realized things about myself.
One, being that I take...
took...
too much for granted. 
I needed to cherish the little things, and somehow, I managed to sink myself in an ocean of fears and frustrations.
So this year will be different. And every year to come. 
I know what makes me happy. I know what it feels like to not have it. 
I know what it feels like to have everything ripped away. To feel like your helpless. And I'm not. I'm not at all. 


I'm going to get what I want. One way or the other, I will be happy. And in less that 3 months, I will be LEGALLY free to do whatever makes me happy.
Isn't that crazy...


Last August, I was scared. 
I had to move away from everything I loved. 
And when I thought about it then, 
I had 8 months before I'd be able to be on my own. To be where I wanted to be. 
And here I am... less than 3 months from that day. 


But for some reason, it doesn't feel like I thought it would. 8 months ago, I was so sure that I had my life set. I knew where I wanted to be, 100%.
And it's hard to admit, but what I want might not even be an option in 2 and a half months. 
So where do I go from here?




On the even darker side of the situation... valentine's day is rolling around, and I can't stand to parade through another sugary, sticky holiday alone. 
Every year I've been alone for Valentine's day. 
EVERY
FREAKING
YEAR.


I think the best thing I've ever received was a dollar store miniature bear from someone I hate. 
(It's for good reason. )
I just seem to always miss that holiday. 


Last year, I barely missed it. I was what... 13 days off.
Yes, I remember. I remember everything. 
Thank you, February 27, 2011. 


Oh it's crazy how time flies by...
Fuck this though. 
If I'm alone for v-day this year, I'm egging someone's house. 
You all have a good night (: