I'm sure you could all tell from my blog posts... ( especially my 3 word post... )
But I think I'm slowly getting better.
I mean, some things have happened in the last 2 days that just made me extremely happy. Of course, I'm not going to go into details. But the gist of it, is that I know what I want. I was struggling to find and help myself. I felt like I was drowning. But now, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and what I'm capable of.
I wont lie though... I feel like I miss the old days. I honestly wish I could go back to summer of 2011... I honestly didn't have a care in the world.
I thought I did... but I was so wrong. I was happy, free to do what I wanted. I was hardly home, which was SO nice.
I hate being home. So much tension. Pressure. Too much to handle on top of the normal every day shit.
Ah.
So I guess that last year was my year to change.
I changed a lot of things last year. Not all for the better.
I realized things about myself.
One, being that I take...
took...
too much for granted.
I needed to cherish the little things, and somehow, I managed to sink myself in an ocean of fears and frustrations.
So this year will be different. And every year to come.
I know what makes me happy. I know what it feels like to not have it.
I know what it feels like to have everything ripped away. To feel like your helpless. And I'm not. I'm not at all.
I'm going to get what I want. One way or the other, I will be happy. And in less that 3 months, I will be LEGALLY free to do whatever makes me happy.
Isn't that crazy...
Last August, I was scared.
I had to move away from everything I loved.
And when I thought about it then,
I had 8 months before I'd be able to be on my own. To be where I wanted to be.
And here I am... less than 3 months from that day.
But for some reason, it doesn't feel like I thought it would. 8 months ago, I was so sure that I had my life set. I knew where I wanted to be, 100%.
And it's hard to admit, but what I want might not even be an option in 2 and a half months.
So where do I go from here?
On the even darker side of the situation... valentine's day is rolling around, and I can't stand to parade through another sugary, sticky holiday alone.
Every year I've been alone for Valentine's day.
EVERY
FREAKING
YEAR.
I think the best thing I've ever received was a dollar store miniature bear from someone I hate.
(It's for good reason. )
I just seem to always miss that holiday.
Last year, I barely missed it. I was what... 13 days off.
Yes, I remember. I remember everything.
Thank you, February 27, 2011.
Oh it's crazy how time flies by...
Fuck this though.
If I'm alone for v-day this year, I'm egging someone's house.
You all have a good night (:
