It's been a while. What's up?

As a commercial for "Glee" plays in the background... I've decided to type up a new blog. It's been long enough... I just haven't felt like sitting down to explain myself to anyone. Hell- I still don't. Recently, my decisions have been causing some controversy... And I've been so tired of the drama that's been popping up, I've just decided to keep it hush hush. 
But here.
This is the official blog. My official story of what's been going on. 
If anyone has questions as to what's been up with me, I'll send them here. Tell them that this is what happened, this is the feeling. 
I don't want any more questions, and I'm tired of the texts asking me "What the hell".


So without further ado, here's my official answer to all of that. 


I am back with Sean Peyton. 
There were months where I was confused... wondering if anything more was going to happen with our relationship. Both of us were trying to find ourselves. I thought I would be able to move on, and ignore the fact that we had even had a relationship in the first place. But I was lying to myself. 
There were countless nights where I was just laying in my bed, crying. Wondering what the hell was going on with me... wondering why I couldn't sleep not knowing if he was alright. 
I thought the feeling would pass. 
There's a scientific study on the time it takes to get over someone. 
Basically, it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. 
(So if you dated for 6 months, you would need a 3 month period of "down time" where you dedicate time to yourself, instead of engaging in any relationship/fling.)
If the relationship really wasn't worth your time, you would be feeling drastically better after that time. 


I went the full "down time" with no improvement. I went to sleep wondering if I would ever cure the ache I felt in my heart. 
And then when Sean and I began talking again on a regular basis, I realized how happy I was becoming. 
Of course, I had been able to have momentary feelings of happiness while he was gone. It wasn't like I was so dependent on our relationship, that I was walking around like a zombie. 
But I wasn't truly happy. 
As fun as it was during the day, I'd still go to bed feeling like a part of me was missing. He felt the same. But there was too much pride involved to do anything about it. 


So that brings me to the recent events. 
The pride is gone... we were able to talk everything out, and work out the differences between us. 
I'm typing this, as I sit on his bed, watching House, and seeing him work. 
I'm sitting here happy. 
And last night, as I went to go to sleep, I closed my eyes with a smile on my face, and began dreaming. 
I haven't had any dreams that I could remember since the breakup. 
This is what makes me happy. This is how it is.
I honestly couldn't care less what anyone thinks of the situation, considering that the opinions people have been so kind to give me, don't really have any sway in what's going to happen. So really, it's okay to keep them to yourself. 
As I go through my life, I am ultimately alone. Relationship aside, I came out of the womb alone, and I will die alone. 
My life is my own, and no one's thoughts, opinions, or drama will keep me from what makes me happy. 
There are certain things that people should give up for other people. People need to be humble, understanding, and courteous to others for a working society. 
I have no problem with that. 
But honestly, how does MY relationship affect your life? Am I harming you? Is this choice stressing you out? Am I affecting your health? No? Then why inject your poisonous "advice" into my life? You're just fine, whether or not I'm dating whoever. 
I've done a lot of "making others happy" in my life. But no more. I do not live for a single one of you.
And I don't say that with bitterness. I say it with logic. 
My opinion will NOT change. This is what I want. And those of you who know me well, know that I'm more stubborn than the day is long. 


So that's the story. I'd appreciate it if you all would save anything negative you feel obliged to share, to just keep it inside. Lock that down. 
Life is short, focus on your own happiness, not mine. 


Have a good day everyone, I'll be writing more later. 
(: 

Music Favorites of this week

A Day to Remember- If it means a lot to you

Bright Eyes- First day of My Life

Hello Good Morning- Nicki Minaj/ Rick Ross/ Diddy

Guns 'n Roses- Sweet Child O Mine

Sublime- Santaria

The Beatles- Here Comes the Sun

Phish- Heavy Things

Skrillex- Rock and Roll (Will take you to the mountain)

Liquid Stranger- Ripple VIP

Immortal Technique- The Prophecy

GMB Dubstep/ One republic- Apologize (Dubstep Remix)

I'll be doing more posts like this more often. I wanted to share some of my music with you, because I realized that a lot of people were paying attention to what I was posting on facebook. So here's a list of some of my favorite songs of this week so far. 

Have a good day, guys. 

There's a lot on my mind... So let's get down to the dirty.

First off, I'm going to start off by apologizing for not putting up a blog recently. I mean... I used to blog every day... and now it's slowly dwindling down to nothing. 
Well folks, that's what happens when your life improves. You stop blogging because you spend too much time fantasizing about the next day, and what it's going to bring. 


Alright, I haven't been fantasizing... no, who am I kidding? 
I have. 
I totally have. 
I've been fantasizing about how I can't wait to get out of here. How I'm excited to just have things back to how they're supposed to be again. 
And about a well deserved slice of pizza from that place down the street. 
(I mean, damn. He deserves a metal for what he makes. I don't usually eat that much, but I'd scarf down some of his pizza faster than he can ask for the payment. )


So let's see... What have I been doing? 
Well. First off... I went bowling a little while back. Which was fun. I haven't been bowling since I went to my cousin's 14th birthday party. I put 2 pictures up on my facebook, but I didn't get a lot, considering it was dark, and I was creeper status while taking them. 


What else? Ahh I got the BEST night's sleep last night. I woke up feeling amazing because I honestly felt that everything was going to be 100% okay. Haven't had that feeling in a while.
Also, because I woke up to some of the most amazing texts. 
And today was alright... I didn't really do much. Went over to hang out at will's house and watched them play with a shake weight for a while. It's interesting... You can actually feel it working. Maybe the way you have to shake it also increases your blood pressure to get a better work out. The thing still looks bad when you do it, though. There's not much you can do to make it better either. Just don't look at it while you shake it. 
We watched the first episode of a show called "Shameless" which was (indeed) shameless. It was really funny though. 
And then we almost completely finished watching "Paul" after having to steal someone in the neighborhood. 
So yeah... a fine day. Nothing much to really report. Just doing what I do. 
I am really excited for this upcoming week though. Probably a bunch of new things to report. (: 
So for now... goodnight, guys. 

Thank you, Karma.

So, there's some more bad news on my end. But again, in order for the upcoming events to make any sense, I have to write about the back-story as it happens. 


So here's some more information for this story: my grandpa has Alzheimer's. He has an extremely hard time remembering how to even talk sometimes. He forgets people's names, he forgets faces. He forgets where he is... he even forgets how to get to the house he's lived in for over 30 years. 


So my grandpa was at the YMCA yesterday. ( Saturday, Jan. 7, 2012. )
He likes to go swimming in the lazy river with his floaties. He's always liked to do that, even before he started forgetting. 
The desk clerk at the YMCA always calls my grandmother when my grandpa is done swimming, because my grandpa can't call himself. 
When my grandpa was swimming yesterday, he got out of the pool and slipped on the walk next to it. He couldn't move, and no one from the YMCA helped him up. A man who was swimming in the pool got out, and helped my grandpa get up and gather his things. 
The desk clerk called my grandmother, only saying "he's ready to go home". 


When my grandmother got there, she could see that my grandpa was in pain. His back had started turning black from bruising, and he couldn't breathe. 
She took him to the hospital.
Come to find out that my grandpa broke multiple ribs, and he was actually in a SEVERE amount of pain. Even for someone who wasn't 70 Years old. 


This morning, I called my grandmother to ask how they were doing. 
My grandpa woke up at 6:30 this morning,
and at 9 in the morning, 3 hours later, he had just been able to get downstairs. 

It took him 3 hours to go down a short hallway and 12 stairs. 
He finally just fell back asleep. ( 9:54am. )




My Grandmother also takes care of my Great Grandmother, who broke her neck last year, and has to wear a neck brace.
My Great Grandmother has dementia. She can't even make her own meals, or remember to eat.




I know that this next topic is something I shouldn't talk about. No one wants to say it out loud, and no one will.


But since this is my blog, I have to be honest with myself, and everyone else.


I don't think my grandpa is going to make it through this month. 


As I put the period on that last sentence, I sat there staring at it for a good 10 minutes. 
It's true. 
My grandpa has a lot of physical problems, on top of his mental ones. 
He could barely walk before the fall.
And his bones can't heal as quickly, because of his age. 
This is going to destroy my grandma.


I think the worst part about it all,
is that my great grandmother, is approaching her time as well.


But when either of them pass,
the other one will forget it ever happened. And will ask every day, "where is so-and-so".
So if my grandpa doesn't make it through this month, my grandma will be reminded by my  great grandmother every day.


It's not intentional... and I know that. But I don't know how anyone is going to handle it...


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In my last blog, I said that last year was the year for change. 
In all honesty, I think this year is the year of loss.


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I don't mean to be so down in my blog lately, guys. I really am sorry. There's a lot going on right now, and there seems to be more every day. I am trying to give you guys something to laugh about though. 


My youtube channel has some really funny videos. I'm putting up more very soon. 
If you guys would like to check out my channel, and tell me what you think, 
click 
right


>>>>>>>>>> HERE <<<<<<<<<<



I hope you all have a good day. 

Quote I wanted to share.

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful".

This... right here... is my swag.

You know, this week I've been horribly depressed. 
I'm sure you could all tell from my blog posts... ( especially  my 3 word post... )
But I think I'm slowly getting better. 
I mean, some things have happened in the last 2 days that just made me extremely happy. Of course, I'm not going to go into details. But the gist of it, is that I know what I want. I was struggling to find and help myself. I felt like I was drowning. But now, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and what I'm capable of. 
I wont lie though... I feel like I miss the old days. I honestly wish I could go back to summer of 2011... I honestly didn't have a care in the world. 
I thought I did... but I was so wrong. I was happy, free to do what I wanted. I was hardly home, which was SO nice. 
I hate being home. So much tension. Pressure. Too much to handle on top of the normal every day shit. 
Ah. 
So I guess that last year was my year to change. 
I changed a lot of things last year. Not all for the better. 
I realized things about myself.
One, being that I take...
took...
too much for granted. 
I needed to cherish the little things, and somehow, I managed to sink myself in an ocean of fears and frustrations.
So this year will be different. And every year to come. 
I know what makes me happy. I know what it feels like to not have it. 
I know what it feels like to have everything ripped away. To feel like your helpless. And I'm not. I'm not at all. 


I'm going to get what I want. One way or the other, I will be happy. And in less that 3 months, I will be LEGALLY free to do whatever makes me happy.
Isn't that crazy...


Last August, I was scared. 
I had to move away from everything I loved. 
And when I thought about it then, 
I had 8 months before I'd be able to be on my own. To be where I wanted to be. 
And here I am... less than 3 months from that day. 


But for some reason, it doesn't feel like I thought it would. 8 months ago, I was so sure that I had my life set. I knew where I wanted to be, 100%.
And it's hard to admit, but what I want might not even be an option in 2 and a half months. 
So where do I go from here?




On the even darker side of the situation... valentine's day is rolling around, and I can't stand to parade through another sugary, sticky holiday alone. 
Every year I've been alone for Valentine's day. 
EVERY
FREAKING
YEAR.


I think the best thing I've ever received was a dollar store miniature bear from someone I hate. 
(It's for good reason. )
I just seem to always miss that holiday. 


Last year, I barely missed it. I was what... 13 days off.
Yes, I remember. I remember everything. 
Thank you, February 27, 2011. 


Oh it's crazy how time flies by...
Fuck this though. 
If I'm alone for v-day this year, I'm egging someone's house. 
You all have a good night (:

Happy endings.

Dude, fuck people.

Get 'er done.

When's the best time to blog? When you're annoyed of course. 
Mood: annoyed, hot. Frustrated.


And when I said "hot" in the mood section, it's not me being concieted. I literally am BURNING up. I feel like I've got a fever straight out of the flu, and I've got a headache the size of Canada. I don't think I'm sick. I think I'll be fine as soon as I find how to cool down. 
Ah, I know how to cool down. Blogging outside. It's cold here. Not snow cold... but just enough, so that I would shiver if I was out there for too long in a tank-top. 
So I'm going to go put some shoes on, and relocate. 


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Okay... so I'm sitting on my front porch now. I'm cold... and I hear people walking down the street.
It's dark here already. 
5:32.
In the summer I remember it starting to get dark around 9pm.
But now it's 5... so let that be added to the already dismal season of winter. 
The car that just passed me slowed down dramatically as soon as they went passed my house. Why? 
Hmm....
I look dreadful though, I'm sure. My hair is blow-dried, but not done. 
I've got teeth whitening trays in my mouth,
I'm in sweats and a VC pink tee,
and I have no makeup on.
They probably stopped to take pictures. 
Rightfully so. 


My brother almost hit me with the door when he was taking out the trash. What day is it anyway?
It feels like a thursday. But I can't be too sure. 
Car going past....
same damn car.
And some other car across the street is playing ridiculously loud music. 
Oh, and here comes another car. 
Maybe they're making me a tourist attraction. 
Well played, Colorado.
I'm going inside.


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It's much better in my room now. 
My fingers are frozen, I think that's why. 


Hmm... so I suppose I need to start on my day now, yeah?
So...
Nothing really exciting so far. 
Going out to hang out with some friends after I get dressed and all. 
(Procrastination... )
Although, I did do a Native American Spirit meditation for about 2 hours. That was relaxing.
It was nice to reconnect with myself. 
Have some time to be calm and just focus on myself. 
I don't do that a lot. I'm more focused on other people. How they feel. What they need. What they want. Their emotions. I guess it just entertains me more. I like knowing how other people work. 
But myself? Oh I already know how I work. 


I woke up extremely late. It was almost 1pm, I think. I don't know why I slept so long.
Usually I hardly sleep. But now... It seems like I just hate being awake. 
So my body shuts down. Refuses to work anymore.
I push my body to the breaking point.
Poor body.


My mom and brother went out shopping, so I stayed home and lazed around. The meditation was the only long, focused activity. 
And that ended up getting me covered in paint.
So I took a long shower... 
and here I am. 


That's all I've done today. Nothing big yet. Nothing super special. 
Just the usual. 


Actually, I watched a hulu tv show earlier. 
Law and Order: SVU.
And it made me amazingly angry. At one point, I was even shouting at the screen. 
Go me.


So I hope that everyone has a good night. (:
You all deserve the best. 

Procrastination.

I do procrastinate. I understand that. 
I know that I haven't written a blog in a long time. Maybe I've been too busy watching UK soap operas. 
Or Law and Order. 
Mostly Law and Order, but the soap operas come in a close second. 


I just haven't felt up to giving the world my honest opinion lately. Lots of bad things happening, and I'm not sure that giving out my emotions is best. 
But I can't neglect the blog for long. 
It's supposed to be my "cyber therapist". 
And how am I supposed to feel better, and get things out, if I don't talk to something? 
I would say some one but I've been realizing that human beings are irresponsible and cruel with personal information.
So here,
blogger.


Mood: comedic, lazy.
I'm on my bed.


I'm watching the Colbert Report on Hulu. 
I don't have a television, and we've never had cable.
I'm really excited to watch the show. It brings some comedy to real life issues. And I need that. 


So let's see. 
Recently, I've had to come to the realization that you can't change reality. You're capable of changing so many things... but when it comes to other people's free will... you're S.O.L.
I still tried though.
I really did.
I pushed myself to stay positive in the worst situations. 
And what did I receive? Ah right. Hatred. Anger. 
What's even better, is that I did nothing to deserve it. 


What is it that people say? 


"Do unto others, as you would have done to you".


Now... I have been 100% sweet. Nice. Loyal. Honest. 
What's been the payout?
Well... let's just say that the two words "fuck you" have become the sweetest term I've heard this week. 
I thought karma was supposed to give me a better result. 
I'd like ANYONE to come forward, and tell me what I've possibly done to deserve the absolute shit that I've had lately. 
Let's see. Why don't I look up the definition of "karma".

kar·ma/ˈkärmə/

Noun:

(in Hinduism and Buddhism) The sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in... Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

Hmm. 

This must mean that I've done something amazingly fucked up in my past, right?

To deserve to be called every name in the book, yelled at, deceived, lied to, led on? 

Something I did must have been ridiculously horrible to deserve almost 9 months of fake, hmm. 

And 4 months of hell AFTER that.

I'm tired of crying. 

Tired of being used.

Some people like that though, right?

Fake. 

Like those fake boobs.

Some people like fake relationships. 

Ah, but that's not me. 

I suppose I should do a brief run-through of what I've been up to then.

-Saw Sherlock Holmes.

-Hung out with friends.

-Skyped.

-Watched TV online.

-Went to Colorado Springs a lot. 

-Facebook...

Oh. I've been playing a new online game... Requiem: Memento Mori.

It's pretty cool. One of the "I'm going to run around now. And kill that. AAAAAAnd that" games.

And I made a few youtube videos. 

But that's about it. 

( If you want to see the youtube videos I've made, click on the links at the bottom of this blog. )

I've honestly been doing nothing important. 

Well... I guess it depends on your idea of important. But if making ramen while watching a Law and Order on Russian Mail Order Brides sounds fun to you... then maybe we should talk. (:

Ah, so now I'm watching The Daily Show, with Jon Stewart. ( Watch the episode I'm watching HERE. )

I'm enjoying this. 

And there's a rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies, and coca-cola in my kitchen. Sounds like the makings of a delicious dinner. 

Well I'm sorry for the boring blog today, guys. 

I don't have much to say today. 

I'll have more to say tomorrow. I just need some inspiration first. 

OH,

and I'm getting my hair cut on the 12th. So I'll be sure to post pictures on that day. 

But that's basically the idea of the haircut. ^^^^^^^^

I hope you all have a good night.
(:

http://www.youtube.com/LizziBabydoll